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 Maternity
Clothes
Whatever
the joys of having a baby are (I haven't gotten there yet) they must be
substantial for the human race not to have died out completely by this
point. There is nothing, and I mean nothing in this world, more
difficult and depressing than pregnancy. Your body swells up to a shape
perfectly inconvenient for – well – everything. You
get moody. You get strange food cravings at all hours, day and night.
Your body becomes sensitive and generally grouchy and unhappy with you.
But worst of all are the maternity clothes.
I know, I know. I should be more tolerant of my own body. My therapist
says I should even be proud. I mean, I'm bringing a new life into the
world, and I guess I don't look too bad for a pregnant woman. But I
feel just awful in my maternity clothing. I mean, would they make
something called a “moo moo” if it didn't make the
wearer feel like a fat cow?
Of course, I don't spend my days in moo moos. Far from it. My maternity
clothes are just grotesque, misshapen versions of my normal clothes
– mostly maternity jeans and maternity t-shirts, thank you
very much. But still, I can't help but notice some difference with
maternity clothes besides the abnormal size. I've never seen so much
cutesy bs – teeshirts with kittens, stars, rainbows for
Christ sakes. Just because I'm having a baby doesn't mean I'm becoming
ones. Maternity clothes should not look like baby clothes.
And the silliest of all are the maternity clothes designed to look
elegant. I mean you wouldn't believe the things they sell on internet
maternity clothes sites. I even found one selling maternity evening
gowns. Can you even image it? Sleek, velvet, graceful lines descending
to my round, bloated belly. Yes, I feel like quite the fashionable
debutant in this outfit, thanks for asking.
If I designed maternity clothes, they'd be straightforward, simple, and
tasteful. They would be in plain colors, plain cuts, and neither
attempt to draw attention to the pregnancy nor to distract it. There is
no two ways about it – I know my body is going to look kind
of odd for the next several months, and maternity clothes can't make it
fashionable. So they should just cover me as simply as possible and not
patronize me with their kittens or flatter me with their low necks and
velvet.
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